I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
