the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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