You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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