So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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