i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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