NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
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I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
ok first of all what the fuck
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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