party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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