Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
