I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
