I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
