I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
