I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
