i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
