i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm always down for nudity.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
