I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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