first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
