My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
