i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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