If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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