Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
