One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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