I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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