how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
