What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
