What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
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Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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