Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
