is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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