I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
