i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
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I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
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I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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