I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
