I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
