you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
