i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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