I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
