Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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