I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
