Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
