Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think your dad took our porno
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My vagina is officially offended.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
