I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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