made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
please come you make the beer taste better
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
