I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
