dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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