let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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