I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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