There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
