There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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