So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
