Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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