I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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