why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
