WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
BRING THE BAGELS
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
