my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
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You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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