Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
