He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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