Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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