She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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