Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
