I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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