i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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