We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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