this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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