omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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